The Hours Following

I'm waiting to be discharged. I want to go home, or do I? I just painted your nursery, blue just for my baby boy. I'm not sure if I want to go home, but I can't stay here, I can't stay where you've died.

The nurse comes in to discharge me. She see's my tears, she tears up too. A couple signatures later and I'm home bound.

Daddy made all the calls. He told everyone that you fought hard. He told them you were...gone.

I'm drowning in tears. I'm drowning in guilt. I'm scared.

My family is here. Your family is here, Kaden. They don't know what to say, neither do I. They mask the sadness with smiles, I try.

I'm zoned out. I'm far away from here. I don't even know if this is considered thinking. Where are you now? Did you go to God right away? Or did you run around and play since you aren't in pain anymore. Are you mad at me? Do you miss me? Please miss me because I miss you terribly. I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone, even Daddy.

I feel hollow. It's kind of like that home sick feeling. That empty pit in your stomach that hurts so bad and makes you feel nauseous. I also feel dizzy. How do I go on? How do I function when all I feel is pain. I'm in physical pain. A scar from you, three layers deep. It will always be there, only to remind me of the hurt. I'm in emotional pain. I truly want to be with you, just take me with you. Come get me.

Hours float by. Time for bed. I can't sleep. All I do is lay here and cry. Daddy holds me tight. He cries too. Everyone else is sleeping and we lay here dying. Looking at each other we know that we are the only two who feel so terrible, who don't know what to do.

Morning. I'm tired, my eyes hurt. I'm shaking. How to I get up? I want to stay here, alone. Kaden, Liam wants me.

He smiles as I walk into his room. He has no idea. He does not know his little brother has passed.  He doesn't understand, how could he, he's just a baby. But I understand. I envisioned you and Liam playing together. I thought you'd wrestle. I thought you'd play hide and seek. I thought you would try to beat your big brother in basketball, football, and baseball but you won't. He won't have you, Kaden, when he needs you most. He won't have his brother and I won't have my baby. How is this fair. It hurts to look at Liam.

Everyone is  packing. They have to leave. I want them to go home, to escape this depressing hole. But I like being taken care of. If I hadn't been catered to these past couple of days, I would have not of eaten or showered. I would have sat here with wet eyes thinking of what I could do to be with you.... who knows what I would have done.

We're alone. Just me and Daddy and Liam. And you, of course. No, wait.. that was only a dream. I'm in a nightmare and you aren't here... or is this life? I'm so confused.

Kaden, does Daddy miss you? I'm not sure. They say men grieve differently than women. That must be true, I know Daddy misses you. He leaves. Daddy tells me he has to work. I'm with Liam. We talk about you.

What day is it? I do not know. I start to wonder what I can do to move on. It seems utterly impossible. I don't want to move on, I want to go back and change things. I want to fix what is unfix-able and somehow I can't forgive myself. Cards come... I make Daddy open them. Maybe I can pretend you're just at the hospital. That I can come visit you when I feel better.

Kaden, something is wrong with Mommy. Can you please help me. Help me be "okay". Help me function. Help me....I'm dying inside.