Time Tells....

I've learned so much Kaden, since you've left my side. The days move a little faster, time keeps going by. I've learned to force a smile and also to hide the pain. I've learned things aren't over, and that I'll see you again. Sitting in my car, my eyes swell up with tears. If only heaven was so much closer, I'd come and hold you near. And sitting in my home, I envision you upstairs, I would walk into your nursery, if only you were there. I try to speak about you, but people find it hard to talk. Why is it tough for them when I'm the one who's lost. And Daddy thinks about you, but wishes it away. I hang up all your pictures, on a gloomy summer day. I know that time tells so many things, but why does it tell it so harsh when it's written so simply. Time can make a person, or it can tear them apart. For me, my son, I sit and wonder about if you were here. I'm sure I'd smile in my joy, instead I hide in fear. I write in hopes of you to understand, how much I wanted to be your mom. I write in hopes of clarifying that you're really gone. I wish I could turn back the page, rewrite the short sad plot. I know things are differently than I originally thought. Just remember that I love you, my fragile little boy, remember all the tears but also all the joy. You must know that you mean so much, that I would give anything to only have you close. Hug your Papaw Bayne, and tell him we miss him too, tell him the story of us holding you. Liam loves you Kaden, and we love you more. We'll think of you my baby, and always cherish your name.

The Hours Following

I'm waiting to be discharged. I want to go home, or do I? I just painted your nursery, blue just for my baby boy. I'm not sure if I want to go home, but I can't stay here, I can't stay where you've died.

The nurse comes in to discharge me. She see's my tears, she tears up too. A couple signatures later and I'm home bound.

Daddy made all the calls. He told everyone that you fought hard. He told them you were...gone.

I'm drowning in tears. I'm drowning in guilt. I'm scared.

My family is here. Your family is here, Kaden. They don't know what to say, neither do I. They mask the sadness with smiles, I try.

I'm zoned out. I'm far away from here. I don't even know if this is considered thinking. Where are you now? Did you go to God right away? Or did you run around and play since you aren't in pain anymore. Are you mad at me? Do you miss me? Please miss me because I miss you terribly. I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone, even Daddy.

I feel hollow. It's kind of like that home sick feeling. That empty pit in your stomach that hurts so bad and makes you feel nauseous. I also feel dizzy. How do I go on? How do I function when all I feel is pain. I'm in physical pain. A scar from you, three layers deep. It will always be there, only to remind me of the hurt. I'm in emotional pain. I truly want to be with you, just take me with you. Come get me.

Hours float by. Time for bed. I can't sleep. All I do is lay here and cry. Daddy holds me tight. He cries too. Everyone else is sleeping and we lay here dying. Looking at each other we know that we are the only two who feel so terrible, who don't know what to do.

Morning. I'm tired, my eyes hurt. I'm shaking. How to I get up? I want to stay here, alone. Kaden, Liam wants me.

He smiles as I walk into his room. He has no idea. He does not know his little brother has passed.  He doesn't understand, how could he, he's just a baby. But I understand. I envisioned you and Liam playing together. I thought you'd wrestle. I thought you'd play hide and seek. I thought you would try to beat your big brother in basketball, football, and baseball but you won't. He won't have you, Kaden, when he needs you most. He won't have his brother and I won't have my baby. How is this fair. It hurts to look at Liam.

Everyone is  packing. They have to leave. I want them to go home, to escape this depressing hole. But I like being taken care of. If I hadn't been catered to these past couple of days, I would have not of eaten or showered. I would have sat here with wet eyes thinking of what I could do to be with you.... who knows what I would have done.

We're alone. Just me and Daddy and Liam. And you, of course. No, wait.. that was only a dream. I'm in a nightmare and you aren't here... or is this life? I'm so confused.

Kaden, does Daddy miss you? I'm not sure. They say men grieve differently than women. That must be true, I know Daddy misses you. He leaves. Daddy tells me he has to work. I'm with Liam. We talk about you.

What day is it? I do not know. I start to wonder what I can do to move on. It seems utterly impossible. I don't want to move on, I want to go back and change things. I want to fix what is unfix-able and somehow I can't forgive myself. Cards come... I make Daddy open them. Maybe I can pretend you're just at the hospital. That I can come visit you when I feel better.

Kaden, something is wrong with Mommy. Can you please help me. Help me be "okay". Help me function. Help me....I'm dying inside.

Thirty-Six Hours

Thirty-six hours is all I had with you. 

I know you fought hard but why not harder? 

I miss you. 

No one will ever understand how deep pain can get unless they lay their own child to rest. 

Everywhere I look, I'm reminded of the pain. 

I have to move on, I have to move forward, or at least that is what they say.

 

I don't want to move on. 

In fact I keep reminiscing:

Hour number ONE: Surgery, a painful knife cutting into me to try to save your life. You're here, no cry, and now you're gone. I'm told updates from afar. Zero heartbeat at birth. Zero heartbeat at thirty seconds of life. One minute and a ventilator later and you're alive. My son, my one pound and fourteen ounce baby boy.

Hour number SIX: Hello, my love. You're beautiful, even with all the tubes and wires. You're mine and I love you. Please know that I'm sorry for not being able to keep you closer longer. Please know that I tried my hardest and please prove everyone wrong. I named you Kaden Elijah for a reason. Kaden means "fighter" and Elijah means "The Lord is my God". Please stay strong for Mommy and Daddy and Liam.

Hour number TWENTY: Hi Kaden, sorry I didn't come sooner. The doctors wouldn't let Mommy get out of bed until now. They say I need to heal but they are wrong, I need to be with you. The nurse says I can touch you, I'm afraid but I do anyways... Just rest baby, I'll be here while you sleep.

Hour number TWENTY-FOUR: Hello baby boy, meet your family. They all came to see you. Only two at a time though, and we have to be quick, you aren't feeling well. We cover you up. You bring so much joy to everyone. Everyone loves you and wants you to be okay.

Hour number THIRTY: I'm awoken by a doctor. "Mrs. Cahall, you may want to come down to the NICU. Kaden's lungs are weak and they need help. We're working on him now. See you soon." I'm hurrying baby. Mommy is still in a lot of pain. I'll get my nurse and I'll be there, just hold on.

Hour number THIRTY-ONE: I'm looking at you and you look so helpless. You now have a new tube, it's in your chest, to drain the pressure from collapsing your lung. They say you're in pain, they give you morphine. The doctor tells me your lungs are so frail. They say you can't breath without the machine but the machine is blowing holes in your lungs. What do I do. I want you here with me, I want you to be healthy. All I do is hold Daddy's hand tight and cry.

Hour number THIRTY-THREE: You've done well little man. These past two hours you've held well. We've relaxed a little, but only a little when you show us that we shouldn't. It happens again. Your numbers are dropping... within seconds you're surrounded by people. Another hole in your lungs, another painful tube inserted through your flesh. More morphine. You don't move....I cry. Daddy is crying. Someone holds us when it happens again. Why. Why are your lungs giving up when we're fighting so hard. Within minutes, four tubes support your failing lungs.... what now.

Hour number THIRTY-FOUR: I just know that you're telling me that you're too tired. That you are ready to be happy and healthy, that you're done. The doctor looks at me, you aren't responding to the medicines for your heart or your blood pressure. Why. Everything is crashing down, our hearts are breaking. We have to decide if we let you suffer or if we let you go. How unfair. I want both, I want you here and I want you well. No one cares what I want, not even God.

Hour number THIRTY-FIVE: Everyone is preparing. They are going to let me hold you one time before you are gone. They have to give you pain medicine. They have to take you off the ventilator and off your tubes and wires. They call in our pastor... I'm numb, my heart shattered, and my mind blown.

Hour number THIRTY-SIX: In my arms. In my arms you are drifting. You've just been baptized so I know God is calling your name. I know Papaw Bayne is waiting for you. He wants to hold you but I want you here. You look peaceful, you look like you are ready. Why am I not. I can't help but sob.I can't help but be selfish in this moment. I don't want to let you go. Please don't go, but you're gone. Goodbye my precious angel, goodbye my little warrior. Goodbye.

I am without you, but I want you. I want you even more today than yesterday. I want you and I can't have you. I was only given thirty-six hours. I've yet to figure out why. I've yet to understand but I do know that I'm not going to be okay, and seeing you later is too far away. I'm still numb, I'm still heartbroken, I'm still shattered. I'm stuck in the last moments and everyone else is moving on, they tell me I have to too. Please know I love you, please know I wanted to be your Mommy for longer, please know I would give anything to change anything, and please know we will never forget you, never.